Strahd von Zarovich

"Tall, dark, and painfully cliched, he was a figure of adoration for dumbasses who don’t know any better. —Sylvain Vanborin"I'm not even going to bother. You guys just do what you feel like you need to do to this page.

Sylvain Vanborin's Totally True and 100% Accurate Account of Strahd von Zarovich, Master Dickhead and Leader of the Vamp Squad

Strahd von Zarovich (aka Dickhead) was born an unremarkable man to a nobody of a person in a place no one even cares to mention. You would think he was spawned by a shit-stain, but his totally bland and insignificant existence was enough to turn him into a spiteful, entitled twat who can't handle rejection. His low self-esteem is masked by the fact that the only real thing he's accomplished has been to get old as fuck (and maybe the whole immortal vampire dark powers thing).

Strahd lives in Dickhead Castle up on Dickhead Hill and surrounds himself with yes-men in that they only say yes to him because they are not permitted to say no. His castle is very tacky and he prances around wearing his drab tuxedos as if they were nightwear. He spends his time harassing the people of Barovia, collecting adventurers that come up to visit, and being jealous of the five super talented, intelligent and witty outsiders that are now in his domain. Late at night (or whenever the fuck he sleeps if he actually sleeps) he lies awake thinking about just how amazing they are, and wishes he could be them, and that Ireena didn't hate his guts.

In general, Strahd does none of the dirty work himself, instead pretending to be shaggy wolves, nobles with shit-eating grins and mist (what's up with that anyway what happens if you breathe that shit in when he passes?). His encounters with the party so far:


 * Wolves create carnage and injuries, then Strahddy wades in and showboats a bit. Ireena shut that business down.
 * Stalking them around for a few days like a starving puppy in the woods.
 * Throws some bats at them, continues to skulk.
 * Duels Osrin as Vasili and was a total dick about. Osrin threw a good elbow into his side.
 * Arrives late to a demon fight and just waves a sword around while everyone else does the real work.
 * Sends in the vamp squad to do the heavy lifting before climbing awkwardly through a window to talk to Ireena who shut that business down again...but offering to go with him.

Old as balls, skips through the carnage and takes credit for things others do for him. Not as smart as he thinks he is. Got turned down by his love interest more than once, got shut down by a handsome young rogue and mercenary at a dinner party, and has failed to kill anyone (permanently) with his minions. He couldn't even kick an unconscious construct. It's really quite pitiful.

Currently he's sitting up in Castle Dickhead, crying on his ugly ass throne all alone, knowing that he can never be as graceful and sweet as Ri-An, as cunning and resourceful as Bodaway, as brutal and stoic as Osrin, as skilled and quick as Ayduin, as brave and honourable as Ireena, and as sharp and charming as Sylvain.

Oh yeah and he fought some half-baked, idiot wizard who thought it was a great idea to throw untrained civilians at the vamp squad. I'll give him that victory because that mage is a dumb ass.

Sylvain Vanborin's Totally True and 100% Accurate Update Regarding Events That Have Transpired

After a disgusting display of theatrical proportions riding off in the sky with the woman he has stalked and abused, Lord Dickhead has been confirmed to be excessively dramatic (fucking flaming sky horse). He returned to the castle where he no doubt tried to be his version of "charming" and Ireena was having none of it.

Either a physically abusive freak in addition to being emotionally and mentally abusive, or just stupid and completely negligent as he is responsible for Ireena's death. Then the lazy bastard couldn't be bothered to walk to fix his problems as he sent Doru to get Ismark and then used some magic teleporty fucker to get to Creepy Facesplicer for his services. The two of them probably chortled as poor Ismark was confronted with his dead sister. Then I assume Creepy secretly swooned over Strahd, thinking about delivering his Ireena puppet. Once Creepy finished resurrecting Ireena and kissing Strahd's ass, Ismark, the brave and honourable man he is, promptly told Strahd to go fuck himself. Ismark was tragically told to "go home" at night, by Strahd because he can't take the harsh realities of the truth delivered to his stupid face.

Strahd is back at Castle Dickhead, continuing to torment and trap poor Ireena while he jacks off to his own sense of false nobility and charm.